Of Monuments and Monumental Experiences

If I would update more often, I could devote my posts to a single topic. But such is not the case, so this post includes at least two unrelated events.

Anna's stone was placed at the cemetery last week.  We had been anticipating its arrival for some time.  There wouldn't be any real surprises as to what it would look like, because we had worked and reworked a design we would be "happy" with.  But the knowing it was coming and the knowing what it would look like doesn't mean that I was prepared for its arrival.  It is a mixture of feelings - what isn't? - as I am glad that there is now a permanent marker for where Anna's body rests.  And yet I hate that there needs to be a permanent marker for where Anna's body rests.

This is the front:

 ...and the back:

We know the saying, "It's not as though it's carved in stone," meaning that something can always be changed.  Maybe that's what is difficult about the arrival of this monument.  Anna's death is now carved in stone.  It's real. 

But we did want to be sure that the carved-in-stone record of her death also conveyed the truth that she has life eternal in the arms of Jesus.  She loved to sing the song "I am Jesus' Little Lamb," so it seemed a fitting verse. 

We smile through our tears remembering her singing that she was Jesus' "Wittle Wamb." 

I also want to share another remembrance for Anna.  My brother, Chris, has used his wonderful talent to once again put together a video / slide show of Anna's life.  A portion of that video is on Youtube for anyone who would like to view it.  It is a reminder of God's grace and goodness even during difficult times, and a reminder that though the outcome wasn't exactly what we prayed for, God's promises still hold true.  Here is the video. 

And, on a COMPLETELY different topic, I guess I should give a report of last weekend's half marathon!  Since it was my first (and likely only) half marathon, I wasn't sure what to expect, and I wasn't sure what goals to set.  My main goal was to finish.  If I could finish without walking at all, I'd be very pleased.  And then any time under 2:30 would be fine by me! 

The day or two before the race, I was suddenly feeling very stressed and unprepared.  Though I had never given a whole lot of extra thought to nutrition while I was training, suddenly I panicked  because I felt like I needed to eat the "right" foods in preparation for the race. I hadn't ever run more than 10 miles, how was I going to do 13?  The night before, I felt incapable of deciding what to wear -- shorts or pants?  Long sleeves or short? 

Ready or not, the day of the race arrived, and we were off!  I decided to try to follow the 2:15 pacer, figuring I would fall back after a while.  But before too long I felt like I wanted to go faster than the pacer, and despite being warned NOT TO PASS YOUR PACER, I passed the pacer.  I was advised that it would be very disappointing to pass your pacer only to have them pass you a little later on, so once I passed I was determined to stay ahead of the pacer.  (And by determined, I mean really really hoping, because if the pacer caught me and went on by I was pretty sure there wouldn't be much I'd be able to do about it!) 

A couple of hills provided some extra challenge, but it was a good course to run on a beautiful fall day.  I was pleased to be feeling good at mile 6.  Even miles 7,8 and 9 were going well.  At mile 10 I (thankfully) felt like I had it in me to keep going.  I told myself I "only" had a 5K left to run, and a 5K is a piece of cake!  Of course, a 5K after a ten mile run makes for a bit more of a challenge.  My legs were starting to feel it, and a couple of (very) mild upward elevation changes in the last couple of miles were tough.  But adreneline kicked in as I came down the final stretch and I was able to add a little more speed before crossing the finish line. 

I finished the race!  Goal met!!
I didn't walk!!!!  Goal met!! 
Final time:  2:14:07     Goal surpassed!!!!

It is a great feeling to have accomplished this.  It is proof that with God all things are possible, and I know I couldn't have done it without Him!  And I am thankful for my supportive family members who came to cheer me on, including my guys!

I have said that this would be my only race of that distance.  I think I would like to keep running enough to participate in 10Ks, but I don't know that I would want to devote the time again to training for a long race.  But, almost a week later, as the soreness is wearing off, the thought is already entering my mind that I could maybe do that again...... maybe....... someday...... maybe.......

Like other "big" events, it seems like a bigger deal before you do it.  But, hey, if I could run a half-marathon it can't be that dififcult!  If I can do it, anyone can!  But I don't blame anyone for not wanting to!

Now onto my next big goal......

Another month, continuing sadness, happy remembering, added busy-ness, another death, not enough training, and always hope in Christ!

I’ve been away for too long, so there is much to catch up on! 

October 12 marked another month that we have lived without Anna’s physical presence.  That makes 10 months now.  The weird thing (one of the weird things) about grief and missing is that it doesn’t follow any logic or set pattern.  You might imagine that the process could be pictured as following a straight line, and even if you realize that no person progresses from one point to the next at the same rate, it would make sense that you still go continually forward from one point to the next.  In actuality, though, the process follows a zigzag line, or loops forwards and backwards, or makes heart-stopping twists, turns and drops.

You would think that a person could get used to living without their daughter eventually, and that each day would be just a bit easier than the one before it.  Sometimes that seems to be the case, and then suddenly there are days when it truly seems like I should be picking out clothes for Anna along with those I set out for Luke and Isaiah each morning. One day it seems like I’m only just discovering that her bed hasn’t been slept in.  I have to stop myself when I think I heard her call for me...Her presence at times seems so real, so recent, even more than it did a couple of months ago.  I walk into the room where the boys are playing and expect her to be there, too.  I am sometimes caught so off-guard, because even I thought I had gone on to the next point on the line, only to discover that I’ve been thrown for a loop and have regressed in some ways.  There just isn’t any logic or predictability, and that is hard to deal with. 

We have been talking about life exactly one year ago.  It was this week in 2010 that we had “run away” from doctors and real life to spend time as a family in Florida.  We look at pictures like these, taken that week, and have such a hard time believing that one year ago Anna was with us and happy and we were so hopeful – and still whole. 

How thankful we are to have these photos, these memories, which I think will always be the most vivid, happy final memories we have of our Anna and our family of five. 

Life feels very different now, one year later.  Yes, life continues to move forward, and always at such a rapid rate!  This has been a busy month, to say the least.  For one thing, my Kindergarten aide position developed into an every day job.  Though I had doubts about working this many hours, I am glad that I can be of use in the classroom and I do enjoy what I do, plus I have the availability to be doing it right now. 

The CureSearch Walk, a bereaved mother’s retreat, and a cousin's wedding have kept us busy for the past several weekends, and of course we have been busy with harvest, so it’s been a rather crazy time of year.  Gorgeous fall weather has made the busy-ness more enjoyable though! 

We did have some more sadness recently, as our dog, Rex, was hit on the road and killed.   He had only been with us since April, but how quickly we develop attachments to our pets!  We know that he was “just a dog,” and yet for our boys was another difficult loss to deal with, especially for Luke.  There has been mention of getting another dog, but time will tell if we are ready for that. 

I guess we can be thankful for the reminders that this life is temporary, that this is not our true home, and that we have so much to look forward to!  A song I rediscovered that says so much...  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyMWBx6vvJo  ..... so much about the reason for the hope that we have, the sure hope that one day we will be home at last!

The month of September, which is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, has passed.  Even though September has passed, Childhood Cancer remains very much in the present.  Every day in October, and November, and December, and…… 46 children, on average, will be diagnosed with cancer, and each day 7 will die.  Year-round efforts are needed.  As I mentioned, we participated in the CureSearch Walk in Minneapolis at the end of September, and our team, Anna’s Army, raised over $3,800 to contribute to an event total of over $88,000.  Thank you to everyone who contributed!! I hope we will see the discovery of a cure, the sooner the better! 

In the middle of all this busy-ness, I continue with my half-marathon training, though not as often as I should.  I am now five days away from the big day, and though I wish I were a little more prepared, I think I can get it done!  I am ready for the day to come and be done with, as I don’t believe that this training has turned me into a “real” runner.  I think this will be my one and only big race.

There are a few things I plan to update about very soon, so hopefully I will be able to find the time to do that! 

Be Aware!

September has arrived once again.  What I never knew about September until a few years ago is that it is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.  I became "aware" of the devastation of childhood cancer  in a horrible way, with the diagnosis of my beautiful little girl.  I pray that those of you reading this do not have such an intimate acquaintance with the world of childhood cancer, (though I know that too many of you do!)but I do hope that all of you have become more aware, that you know a little of the horrors that these kids and their families endure, and that you are moved enough to join the cause to make a difference.  There are so many ways to do SOMETHING and you wouldn't have to look very hard to find a good way to help.  And I am always available to give you suggestions for ways to help! 

We are planning to participate in the CureSearch walk in Minneapolis on September 25, and I would invite you to help out by supporting us in this walk!

The CureSearch Walk celebrates and honors children whose lives have been affected by children’s cancer, while raising funds for the lifesaving research of the Children’s Oncology Group. This group of medical professionals treats more than 90% of children with cancer at over 175 hospitals in the United States. These experts provide world-class care in communities across the country.

Every day, 35 children are diagnosed with pediatric cancer–7 of those children will not survive. Cancer is the #1 cause of death by disease in children.

We would love to have more people join our "Anna's Army" team!  If you are available for a Sunday afternoon walk for a good cause, please sign up!  You can do so here!

If you would like to donate, please follow these links.  Though we are getting a late start, we hope that we can make a difference. 

My page

Isaiah's page

Luke's page

First Day

Hard to believe my boys are now officially first and third graders! 

They were excited to head off to school, even though it seems as though summer vacation just started. 

For the first time in about nine years the first day of school was also mine to experience.  Yes, my eight year “maternity leave” has come to an end.  I am not back to teaching (yet?) but will be a Kindergarten aide four days a week.  I worry about how I must relearn better time management to keep up with everything at home, (not to mention half-marathon training!) but I really am looking forward to being a regular part of the school.  Sorry, no first day photo of myself to post!

A new school year is exciting, and I know my boys are happy to be back at it.  They are looking forward to their new classrooms and new teachers.

Yes, a new school year is exciting, but it is never as easy as just being excited.  I remember taking this picture a year ago.

As I made the signs for the boys to hold for this year’s photos, I was so wishing I was making one for Anna as well.  She would have been in preschool for another year, and I can just imagine how excited she would have been to go back.  What beautiful outfit would she have demanded requested to wear for her first day of school?  What stories would she have come home with?  What friends would she have played with?

I think it is inevitable that every happy moment, every exciting experience, every new adventure will have that shadow of sadness.  Though a part of me wishes I could ignore the sad part and instead simply and fully enjoy each moment, that just isn’t possible.  And in a way it makes the joy of each moment even more potent.  First days of school and other milestones are not as easy to take for granted anymore, and I tend to appreciate the blessings of today and treasure all that I have even more. 

I pray that all who are sending their children off to school once again will treasure all those special moments, even the difficult homework days and the battles over what to wear or when to go to bed or get up, etc., etc. 

And I pray for all the moms and dads whose hearts ache just a little bit more than usual as they watch all those kids go off to school, wishing their own child was among them. 

FAIL

"No Excuses!"  " I MUST run!"  Remember those words?  They were only written a few days ago.  I should have known.....

I think it was last Tuesday that I wrote those words.  On Thursday, only TWO days later, my schedule called for a 5 mile run.  Not that far.  But --of course there's a "but"-- Wednesday ended up being a late night.  I optimistically set my alarm, though it's annoying ringing found me very unprepared to get out of bed.  Running a little later wasn't an option, as I had a previous obligation to be ready for.  I tried to convince myself to ignore the exhaustion - "NO EXCUSES!"  but -- of course, another "but"-- I also had a killer headache.  So, I missed my Thursday run. 

I more or less made up for it, I think.  Friday was supposed to be a rest day, but I ran 6 miles in 60:30 - a VERY good time for me!  Saturday I ran my scheduled 3 miles in record (for me!) time (27:30) and today, Sunday, I ran 5.5 miles, though I was scheduled for 6.  But I had done 6 instead of 5 on Friday, so ended up with more than was scheduled anyway. 

Hopefully those "buts" will not get the best of me as I continue my training!!  ("But" you know school is starting tomorrow.....)

It's official - I need to be committed!

It’s official.  And officially frightening!  I received an email that my registration for the Mankato half marathon has been confirmed.  I now have 66 days to convince this body that it can run a long distance. 

I had hoped to run the Mankato Marathon (Half!) last October, but procrastinated in registering.  That actually turned out to be a good thing, because after Anna’s relapse I was committed to a different kind of marathon. 

But now I must follow an official type training schedule.  My previous training was pretty much a “run when I feel for as long as I feel like running” kind of training.  If I was too tired, I’d sleep in and skip my run.  If it was a busy week, I’d take the week off.

But now discipline is the name of the game!  I have my training calendar posted and there can be no excuses!!   Heat, rain, exhaustion – doesn’t matter, I MUST run!  Two and a half weeks into my official training, all is going well.  I’m actually adding ½ to1 mile to most of the scheduled runs, only because I don’t want it to be too much of a shock when I have to do those longer runs I have never done before.

Can’t wait for 67 days from now!!

Thanks to my running sister, Jen, for this shirt!!

My Middle Child

I also started this over a month ago, with the intention of posting it on July 6, Isaiah’s birthday!  Better late than never. 

Happy Birthday, dear one!  Today you are six years old – your golden birthday!  My sweet, silly, sensitive, perplexing middle child, who tends to keep people laughing or wondering. 

I have always wondered if your place in the family, the middle child, has caused any problems for you.  You didn’t get to be the “baby” of the family for long, as Anna was born when you were 17 months old.  I often felt guilty for not giving you all the attention I wished I could have.  And then when you were only three years old Anna got sick and I was gone for so much of the next year.  But when you were younger, you had your ways of making sure you got some extra attention.  Unfortunately, it often involved a trip to the Emergency Room!  Ear infections, a mishap with a cart, febrile seizures, falling into a well pit - it seemed like if something could happen it happened to you! 

But somehow you have just always gone with the flow.  Somehow you seem to have grown and developed and learned enough that you amaze people with what you know and do.  You learned to read, basically on your own, while you were still in preschool, and you continue to take it upon yourself to discover as much about the world around you as you possibly can.  Even when you were a baby, you seemed to just look around and watch and try to take in as much as you could.  Your mind always seemed to be working as you tried to figure things out.  You still notice more than most anyone else, and your curiosity and the questions you ask and the things you can figure out just amaze me. 

There is a side of you that is very organized and exact.  You know the way things should be and really want them to be that way!  You are always counting and figuring and lining things up just so.  When you went to basketball camp earlier this summer, as the kids were practicing their dribbling and shooting, you were the one making sure the cones were lined up just right.  You like things to be in order. 

But that doesn’t mean you are all business!  Your goofy side is always making people laugh.  You have a fun sense of humor and just love to be silly!  You have an easy personality, for the most part.  You are sensitive to others, and have little trouble getting along with anyone.  (Except for maybe your big brother!)

You do look up to your big brother, though.  Very often you become interested in whatever he is interested in, and want to play whatever he is playing.  That works pretty well most of the time, but I know you have your own different interests as well, and I hope you feel free to let them be known. 

The death of your sister has had a great effect on you, understandably so.  Although you are always quick to point out the happy side, that Anna is in heaven, you also very often express your sadness that she is not here.  Sometimes you will walk into her room and say, “I love you Anna!”  Or you will look at her picture and say that you really miss her. Very often when you are making a project or drawing anything, even your work at school, you will write Anna’s name, and often a purple butterfly along with it.  It is obvious that she continues to be a part of you, as I believe she always will!  The two of you got along so well.  She looked up to you and was always so happy when the two of you could be playing together.  You were a great big brother to her and gave her many moments of happiness!!

God has blessed you with many gifts and abilities, and I am excited to see how they continue to be put to use as you grow!  I love you more each day, and consider myself very blessed that I get to be you mom!

Happy Birthday!!!