I’ve been away for too long, so there is much to catch up on!
October 12 marked another month that we have lived without Anna’s physical presence. That makes 10 months now. The weird thing (one of the weird things) about grief and missing is that it doesn’t follow any logic or set pattern. You might imagine that the process could be pictured as following a straight line, and even if you realize that no person progresses from one point to the next at the same rate, it would make sense that you still go continually forward from one point to the next. In actuality, though, the process follows a zigzag line, or loops forwards and backwards, or makes heart-stopping twists, turns and drops.
You would think that a person could get used to living without their daughter eventually, and that each day would be just a bit easier than the one before it. Sometimes that seems to be the case, and then suddenly there are days when it truly seems like I should be picking out clothes for Anna along with those I set out for Luke and Isaiah each morning. One day it seems like I’m only just discovering that her bed hasn’t been slept in. I have to stop myself when I think I heard her call for me...Her presence at times seems so real, so recent, even more than it did a couple of months ago. I walk into the room where the boys are playing and expect her to be there, too. I am sometimes caught so off-guard, because even I thought I had gone on to the next point on the line, only to discover that I’ve been thrown for a loop and have regressed in some ways. There just isn’t any logic or predictability, and that is hard to deal with.
We have been talking about life exactly one year ago. It was this week in 2010 that we had “run away” from doctors and real life to spend time as a family in Florida
How thankful we are to have these photos, these memories, which I think will always be the most vivid, happy final memories we have of our Anna and our family of five.
Life feels very different now, one year later. Yes, life continues to move forward, and always at such a rapid rate! This has been a busy month, to say the least. For one thing, my Kindergarten aide position developed into an every day job. Though I had doubts about working this many hours, I am glad that I can be of use in the classroom and I do enjoy what I do, plus I have the availability to be doing it right now.
The CureSearch Walk, a bereaved mother’s retreat, and a cousin's wedding have kept us busy for the past several weekends, and of course we have been busy with harvest, so it’s been a rather crazy time of year. Gorgeous fall weather has made the busy-ness more enjoyable though!
We did have some more sadness recently, as our dog, Rex, was hit on the road and killed. He had only been with us since April, but how quickly we develop attachments to our pets! We know that he was “just a dog,” and yet for our boys was another difficult loss to deal with, especially for Luke. There has been mention of getting another dog, but time will tell if we are ready for that.
I guess we can be thankful for the reminders that this life is temporary, that this is not our true home, and that we have so much to look forward to! A song I rediscovered that says so much... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyMWBx6vvJo ..... so much about the reason for the hope that we have, the sure hope that one day we will be home at last!
The month of September, which is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, has passed. Even though September has passed, Childhood Cancer remains very much in the present. Every day in October, and November, and December, and…… 46 children, on average, will be diagnosed with cancer, and each day 7 will die. Year-round efforts are needed. As I mentioned, we participated in the CureSearch Walk in Minneapolis
In the middle of all this busy-ness, I continue with my half-marathon training, though not as often as I should. I am now five days away from the big day, and though I wish I were a little more prepared, I think I can get it done! I am ready for the day to come and be done with, as I don’t believe that this training has turned me into a “real” runner. I think this will be my one and only big race.
There are a few things I plan to update about very soon, so hopefully I will be able to find the time to do that!
There are a few things I plan to update about very soon, so hopefully I will be able to find the time to do that!
I wish parents never had to deal with the death of a child. It breaks my heart to read your posts, but at the same time, I admire you for being so strong and willing to share your feelings. You are a courageous person.
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